Coping Mechanisms
by Concupiscence66
Summary: Dr. Beverly Hofstadter, feeling her age, reflects on her life.  In her efforts not to be like her capricious parents, she wonders if she's gone too far in the opposite direction.  She is everything she set out to be and yet remains unsatisfied.
1. Chapter 1

1961- Power

_"And who is this pretty girl?"_

_The man takes a step backwards when Beverly looks him in the eye and says, "Beverly Martin"._

_She's only twelve and she doesn't know why people step back from her undivided attention but she has already begun to enjoy the reaction. It is her first taste of power._

_Beverly Martin is a "pretty girl". She has inherited her mother's good looks and her father's pale blue eyes. Her mother warns her daily of the dangers of flattery from men. Beverly doesn't understand exactly what she is meant to fear but she senses the danger. Her father is usually away on business and her flirtatious mother draws a series of men into her family's path. Beverly is always on guard. Her mother has tried to teach her how to be 'charming' but Beverly finds safety in making the people around her ill-at-ease. Eventually, she will grow tall enough to be physically intimidating in heels but at the moment, she is a slip of a girl and she relies on her ice cold eyes to protect her from the unwanted attentions and 'affections' of others._

_The man moves away from Beverly and returns his panting attentions to her mother. Later that night, her mother cries as Beverly holds an ice pack to the weeping woman's swollen eye. Beverly won't breath a word of this to her father, she never does. She only has a vague idea of what has happened but before she goes to bed, she practices her cold stare in the mirror. She's seen enough weeping._

1999- Mortality

Beverly does not celebrate her birthdays, but she is aware of them as they arrive. The morning she turns fifty, she wakes to the sound of her sons arguing in the kitchen.

Edwin's eyes meet hers and they share a moment of camaraderie. For all their brilliance and youthful accomplishments, Leonard and Michael are undeniably teenagers.

As Beverly goes through her morning toiletries, she feels a tinge of shame because she hopes Cassandra will wake up and put an end to the fracas in the kitchen. Her daughter has always had a particular knack for dealing with high emotion that eludes both her parents.

Cassandra is seven months pregnant and the hormonal changes are taking a toll on her work and her marriage. A month ago she called Beverly and asked, "Would it be all right if I spent the rest of my pregnancy living with you and father? I've spoken to the university and I can telecommute and... If I don't get out of this house, I am going to stab Alan in the face while he sleeps."

Alan remains in Baltimore and calls daily for updates. The distance (a little over two hours) has made Cassandra's heart grow fonder but she still opts to stay in New Jersey.

_Cassandra had explained, "Mother, I am so emotional right now, I cannot be around normal people. I just need to be here in this soothing, antiseptic, emotionless house."_

If she pushed, Cassandra would no doubt have become combative and judgmental so Beverly let the statement stand.

Leonard and Michael are snapping at each other while Cassandra, the oldest by eight years and still the referee after all these years, encourages them both to, "Shut the hell up," and the bickering stops.

Beverly enters the room moments later and is greeted with a chorus of, "Good morning, mother."

"Happy birthday. It's the big 5-0, if I'm not mistaken," adds Cassandra.

Michael and Leonard look guilty, clearly embarrassed they have forgotten the meaningless milestone.

"Indeed," Beverly feels like she should say more on the subject but can't imagine what else there is to say. She has been alive for half a century. Tomorrow, she will have been alive for half and century and one day.

"We should celebrate. Let's go somewhere nice for dinner," Cassandra suggests, "Michael, do have a decent suit you can lend Leonard? Something entirely devoid of corduroy?"

"Sure. Do you have a pair of stilts he can use so it will fit?"

Leonard flicks a forkful of eggs at his younger brother.

Her offspring never acted up so outrageously when they were children. Perhaps she had offered too many external behavioral controls while rearing them and now they lack impulse control. It is a worrisome thought. No matter how successful and remarkable her children are, Beverly is plagued by the fear that she has somehow held them back from reaching their full potential. Edwin dismisses her fears saying, "How could they possibly be smarter or more successful? We could build an addition to the house out of trophies, blue ribbons and plaques." He has a point (facetious as it is) but, by definition, irrational fears cannot be dissipated with logic.

Fortunately for Beverly, Cassandra restores order by yelling, "Our mother has a family history of heart disease, was raised on a diet of fried food, smoked for ten years, works a high stress job and is raising you two brats! We need to celebrate the fact that she's lived this long by dressing up and going to a nice restaurant where we will make the waiters debase themselves by singing an uncopy-righted version of 'Happy Birthday'. Leonard, you will wrangle that clown wig you call hair into something presentable and I will pin you into one of Michael's suits. Michael, you are very tall and handsome and we are all super excited for you so shuuuut up about it. You also faint at the sight of blood and, even seven months pregnant, I know I could kick your skinny ass. I'll make the reservations."

xxx

The restaurant is candlelit and while it is very atmospheric, their entire myopic family struggles to read the menu.

Cassandra and Leonard share a menu, both squinting behind their thick glasses.

"Cassandra, it is so strange to see you in glasses!" Leonard exclaims for the third time that evening, "I don't think I've seen you in your glasses since I was in middle school. Remember how we went to get contacts together?"

"Leonard, I am so sorry I mocked you when you couldn't tolerate contact lenses! About three months into my pregnancy, my eyes became so sensitive, I had to go back to glasses. I can barely use drops. It feels like I'm dropping rocks onto my eyeballs."

Leonard frowns, "So I've got the eyes of a pregnant woman?"

Cassandra gingerly pats his heavily gelled hair, "Oh, Leonard. That is the least of your problems."

Leonard smiles at his sister's insult and they both return to the onerous task of examining the menu for an item containing nothing to which Leonard is allergic.

Michael is scanning the room over his glasses. Although he's still in his teens, he has learned to give off an air of confidence and maturity. Beverly is fairly certain he has Antisocial Personality Disorder but would never use the words out loud. She's never articulated her concerns to Edwin but her husband occasionally observes, "That boy is either going to end up the president of the United States or in prison. Perhaps one then the other."

"Mother, now that you are fifty, do you feel affected by the social significance of the milestone? Are you feeling anxiety about being middle aged?" Cassandra asks as she swirls her wine glass full of grape juice, as though to open the bouquet.

"I believe the effects of the cultural stigma took hold when I turned 49. I have found myself more concerned about 'leaving my mark' in the field in the past year and my productivity as increased significantly as a result. I also purchased several expensive face creams despite the dubious science behind their claims to restore elasticity to my skin."

"Mother!" Leonard looks scandalized, "You're a beautiful woman at the top of your field. How can you let yourself be lured in by misogynist and ageist claptrap?"

Beverly marvels at the naivety of today's youth. Leonard honestly believes there is a time in a woman's life when she is not judged by her appearance.

Their waitress is young, pretty and wearing far too much make-up. Michael flirts shamelessly and the young woman seems flustered. Beverly assumes the girl must be new to waitressing as most of Beverly's memories of working the service industry involve repelling the loathsome advances of men.

Cassandra tells the waitress that Michael is a member of his high school's a cappella group "Andante's Inferno". Michael drops his charming facade to glare at his sister while Leonard gives the waitress an apologetic smile. Leonard is too concerned about his height to realize he's handsome and Beverly believes he is better off that way. Men are far too prone to arrogance. Michael has already learned to use his looks to manipulate men and women alike. Although she loves her youngest child dearly, she feels a mild aversion to his presence and sees her discomfort reflected in Cassandra.

As they near the end of their main course, Edwin destroys the calm and friendly atmosphere by asking, "So, when are you boys going to take your SATs again?"

Although they are brothers, barely a year apart in age, sitting next to one another and being asked the same question, Beverly observes not a single hint of camaraderie between them. Leonard stares at his plate, his cheeks turning pink, while Michael stares blankly ahead with his jaw clenched.

Cassandra's shoulders slump, "Do we have to do this?"

"What did I say? The boys can take the test as many times as they want, why not get the best scores they can? Schools are very competitive these days. I want you boys to have every opportunity..."

Beverly tunes out after the phrase 'every opportunity'. It's been her husband's mantra since he turned forty. When Cassandra was applying to colleges, Edwin had driven her crazy by trying to make her consider every possible option from studying abroad at Oxford to attending a small liberal arts college in the states like Sarah Lawrence or Bennington. He told her over and over that she didn't have to follow in her parents' Ivy League footsteps, she was free to be whatever she wanted.

By the time she needed to choose a medical school, Edwin was once again full of advice. This time around, he was eager to pull strings for her and make sure she was able to get into the 'best program' available. Beverly had found it interesting at the time that he had narrowed his views on schooling so drastically in such a short time; then he turned his attentions to his sons. They have always been remarkable students and active in numerous extra circular activities. Leonard is an accomplished cellist and president of his school's debate team while Michael runs track and sings in the school's award winning a cappella group. There is certainly no need to worry about either of them getting into any school, especially when the name Hofstadter carries a healthy amount of weight in the academic world.

The brunt of Edwin's unwanted attention falls on Leonard who wants to do research. His interests lie in the natural sciences but Edwin can still relate to Leonard's ambitions easier than Michael's. Michael wants to be a corporate lawyer.

Beverly is 'of the people' enough to see the humor in Michael's predicament. It is a rare family where wanting to be a lawyer is perceived to be a frivolous decision. Edwin tries to find a way to share his younger son's interests but there is no apparent over-lap. Michael simply is not interested in people, not even from the safe distance of an ivory tower.

This leaves Edwin to pin his hopes entirely on Leonard. He already has his doctor in Cassandra and dearly wishes Leonard would become a chemist. He is convinced the Hofstadters could wipe out malaria by the end of the decade if they worked together. Leonard tries to make his father happy but it is clear his interests are currently of a less practical nature. The more Edwin pushes him, the more Leonard retreats.

Of course, Edwin himself began his career as an anthropologist observing the learning systems of indigenous populations. His current interest in public health derived from his time spent in third world countries, watching people die from hunger and curable diseases, just as Beverly's fascination with neuroscience stems from her years as a therapist trying to figuratively get into the minds of her patients. They have evolved as scientists over time and through experience. She has reminded Edwin, in very blunt terms, that their children need to make their own decisions and their own mistakes but Edwin's logic frequently fails him when it comes to his family. He thinks he can spare his children wasted time and heartache by passing down his wisdom. His behavior stems from love and concern but it manifests itself as obnoxious bullying.

Edwin doesn't know that Leonard already received his early acceptance to the Harvard physics department. Beverly saw the letter when it arrived but is allowing Leonard to choose for himself when he shares the news with Edwin. There will be no controversy regarding the choice of school (Leonard will be a fifth generation legacy) or the department (consistently one of the top ranked in the country). Leonard has clearly made a good choice, what is sure to upset Edwin is the fact Leonard made the decision on his own.

"Edwin, the boys have both obtained SAT scores that are well above average and exceeding the expectations of even the most discerning programs," Beverly makes her announcement while Edwin is in mid-sentence. She knows she shouldn't speak over her husband this way in front of the children but she's tired of the same argument. One can't always be the good co-parent.

Edwin tries to turn his lecture on 'schools these days' towards Beverly but soon wilts under her gaze and lets the topic drop. She gets not so much as an appreciative glance from either son. Michael is making eyes at an attractive young woman across the room, Leonard is glaring daggers into his plate of food.

1959- Ambiguity

_The Martins don't have much money, but Adele Martin is a skilled seamstress and her girls are always dressed beautifully. Beverly loves Sunday mornings when they all get ready for church in Ma's room. Adele fusses over each flounce and sponge curl before filling the room with a cloud of perfume. Blessed and cursed with a marvelous memory, Beverly clearly recalls the morning they awoke to discover Betty was gone. Fifteen-year-old Betty had been acting strangely for months but Adele assured everyone it was a natural part of being 'that age'. Beverly remembers being disappointed they do not attend church that morning. She spends all week looking forward to that cloud of perfume and it strikes her as odd that Betty would choose to miss the best day of the week._

_As days turn into weeks and there is no word from Betty, a solemn hush falls over the family. Words like kidnapping and foul play are spoken when no one thinks Beverly can hear._

2003- Practicality

"Hofstadter, party of two?"

"Yes," Beverly glances at her watch, it is two minutes until one, "My son should be here in two minutes."

"I'll be happy to seat you as soon as the rest of your party arrives," says the young host, cheerfully. Beverly automatically shoots her a severe look over the rim of her glasses, annoyed by the use of the word 'party' when she's already clearly stated it is her son who will be joining her, and the young woman nervously adds, "Ma'am."

Although the woman failed to understand the cause of her annoyance, she is now clearly flustered so Beverly takes a seat and waits quietly. She knows she could put the girl at ease with a warm smile but she feels no compulsion to make people comfortable.

Beverly has made several attempts to arrange a visit with Leonard since he moved to California and has been rewarded with a series of flimsy excuses. Only when she arranges to attend a conference at the University of California in Los Angeles does Leonard agree to lunch.

He arrives precisely at one, as Beverly expected. His hair is still nearly should length and looks ridiculous and he's wearing the same hooded sweatshirt he's been wearing since high school. Academia allows for a certain degree of eccentricity but she wishes he would make more of an effort to 'dress for success'. He has so much potential but seems determined to sabotage himself at every step. Her attempts to offer advice are invariably met with hostility. Beverly is overly blunt and Leonard is overly sensitive.

The hostess is attractive and Beverly is certain her younger son, Michael, would have had the girl's phone number before leaving the restaurant. Leonard just stares at his shoes until they are seated. When he does look at the hostess, his gaze is a good inch above her eye line.

"What did you say her?" Leonard asks as soon as the hostess is out of ear shot. His voice is full of accusation.

"We had the standard exchange of information. Why do you ask?"

"The poor girl was a nervous wreck."

Leonard has an endless store of compassion and concern for people he doesn't know. He is the personification of the old saying, 'Familiarity breeds contempt'.

"I can't be held responsible for her reaction to our exchange."

Leonard sighs but lets the issue drop without further discussion.

They have a perfunctory discussion of their respective work. Leonard is always a bit irritable when they discuss her work in neuroscience. He continues to resent being treated as a 'lab rat'.

Beverly tries to find an aspect of Leonard's research that is interesting to her. It's all seems like an intellectual exercise to her. Leonard is attempting to measure something that may or may not exist and someday prove an improvable theory. When he speaks of the hypothetical Higgs Boson, she wonders if she was wrong not to send her children to church.

"Have you considered research with real world applications?"

Leonard opens and closes his mouth a few times before letting out a heavy sigh.

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

"Actually," Leonard keeps his eyes on his plate of noodles, "I was offered a job..."

"And?"

"It's top secret but it's certainly 'real world application' stuff."

"But you haven't accepted the offer?"

Leonard looks up but continues to avoid eye contact, "It's with the government. It's a lot of money and the work is interesting but..."

Beverly automatically slips into therapist mode and adopts a blank face. Leonard's eyes flicker over her countenance, likely checking for judgment, before continuing.

"It's the government. Who knows what they'll do with my research? I start out making... doing whatever but somewhere along the line that research will be misappropriated and I'll have to live with the results."

Beverly nods until Leonard seems to be done and asks, "How much did they offer you?"

He tells her, it is a significant number.

"Well, that's very impressive but I know you aren't concerned with making money," she believes her voice is neutral but Leonard is already tensing up. Her son's decision to be a pure academic had been a bone of contention between him and his father for years.

"I know I'm not making as much as you or father but I _will_ pay you back for my education..."

"Leonard, your father and I don't need your money, we're only concerned about your ability to live...," Beverly searches for the least offensive word, "comfortably."

Leonard stabs at his pasta, "I think I'll take the job after all."

Since they are already (more or less) on the subject, Beverly takes the opportunity to ask about his current living situation and his roommate.

Leonard is vague as he discusses his roommate, Sheldon, a fellow physicist at the university. Fortunately, reading between the lines is how Beverly makes her living. Having moved across the country to be free from the influence of his family, Leonard has attached himself to a new figure against whom he can 'rebel'.

He avoids her eyes and pushes his Spaghetti Bolognese around his plate as he 'casually' asks about high functioning autism and Asperbergers.

"Do you have reason to believe your roommate has Asperbergers?"

"What? No, I'm just asking you as a professional... Maybe. It's like he can't tell if I'm happy or angry or when it's his turn to talk. I don't think he's ever looked me in the eye."

The last statement is a striking one, coming from Leonard. Clearly he feels very close to Sheldon if he has managed to notice a lack of eye contact from his roommate. Since the turmoil of puberty, Leonard has visibly struggled to hold anyone's gaze for more than a few seconds. The usual shame and horror of transforming into an adult had left her son full of self-doubt and an anger he refuses to acknowledge to this day. After pressing for more details, Beverly points out she would have to meet Sheldon to be sure but he certainly seems to fit the profile of Asperbergers. Leonard's jaw tenses at her suggestion that she meet his roommate and he promptly drops the subject. He clearly intends to keep her removed from his new life in California. She won't push, she refuses to feed into his attention-seeking behavior. If he wants her to remain distant, she will oblige and wait for him to outgrow his belated rebelliousness.

Beverly is able to carefully revisit the topic of Sheldon later in the conversation. Leonard's roommate sounds like a cornucopia of eccentricities. Despite his many complaints about his roommate, Leonard's affection is clear. For the first time since entering the restaurant, while speaking about his bizarre 'roommate agreement', her son looks relaxed.

He also looks happy, happier than she's seen him since the day Beverly brought 'subject D' home from the lab to be renamed 'Mitzy'. Leonard has always been inclined to like people regardless of their numerous and easily identifiable faults. While Beverly is concerned by his lack of judgment, her husband, Edwin, dismisses their son's indiscriminate nature by saying, "We can't all be misanthropes."


	2. Chapter 2

1956- Survival

_Beverly wakes up every time her mother opens the door, her mother calls her a nervous Nelly. The moment she hears the door creak, she is sitting up in bed. Mother's friend is standing at the door with a soothing smile on his face. He tries to say something but Beverly hears nothing over the sound of her own screaming. After a few attempts to calm her down, the 'friend' closes the door and disappears._

_Her oldest sister, Anna asks, "Beverly! Why do you act that way around strangers? You act like a crazy person!"_

_Betty, the second oldest Martin sister, answers for her._

_"She screams because she's the smart one."_

_Beverly __is__ the smart one but even she doesn't truly understand why she screamed, she is simply glad her mother's 'friend' is gone._

2004-Sincerity

Beverly was born and raised in the South but she feels better suited, if not entirely at home, on the East Coast. She frequently visits the West Coast for work but fails to see the appeal. Naturally, Leonard has settled outside of Los Angeles, the most intolerable of all West Coast cities. At least San Francisco has a heart. She and Edwin had spent their honeymoon in San Francisco in the 1960s. Edwin procured some Psilocybin mushrooms on the second day and she had spent hours trying to talk him out of a tree. As annoyed as she was at the time, she remembers the lush beauty of Golden Gate park and all the friendly hippies that helped her get Edwin back on the ground (literally and figuratively). She learned techniques that day that would help her years later with her research on hallucinogenics. She'd had many a research participant rolling on the laboratory floor, 'feeling mother nature'. In those days, Edwin had fervently believed in trying everything once as part of his understanding of the human condition. Once he became a father, he changed his views considerably. Beverly had to leave the room when he delivered his passionate anti-drug speeches to the children lest her eyes actually roll all the way back into her head. It is important to be a co-parent, to approach childrearing as a cohesive team, but it was far from easy.

Los Angeles, City of Angels, is full of smog, traffic and grotesque plastic surgery. She can't imagine how Leonard tolerates the environment but she dares not say as much. Any criticism she offers his new home will only make him more determined to stay. He still has no discernable tan but his choice of glasses and tee-shirt hint that he is trying to cultivate a sense of style. The frames are far too thick for his small eyes and the layers of clothing make him look smaller than usual but, again, Beverly knows better than to offer advice. Her attempts to assist Leonard in dressing as a professional resulted in his decade long commitment to a corduroy suit. She shudders to imagine what else Leonard would find at a Salvation Army if she dared suggest his collection of graphic tees and hooded sweatshirts seemed to be getting out of control.

California may well suit Leonard. He looks more relaxed though it doesn't take much prodding to bring out the old nervous tics.

"Did you complete your project for the military?"

"You know I can't discuss that project... yes, I am _all_ done with the military."

Beverly is disappointed by his tone of voice, she'd hoped he would be pleased to finally make a decent sum of money. One's first priority should naturally be to science but it is also important to live in a comfortable manner. Leonard had never been without enough money for food, heat or electricity. He could only imagine what it was like to truly 'do without'. Beverly has gone without and she never intends to live that way again.

"Are you continuing your relationship with Miss Kim?"

"We broke up."

"A shame."

"Actually, she defected back to North Korea," Leonard elaborated, staring at his hands as he fiddled with his thumb.

"Oh. Was she a spy trying to gain access to your military work?"

"Yeah. Probably."

"The course of true love never did run smooth," Beverly offers. Her patients are often comforted by Shakespearean platitudes.

Leonard simply looks confused and her attempt at conviviality lingers in the air like an unpleasant stench.

"Was she able to obtain any classified information?"

"No. Even with classified information in my apartment, I wasn't able to hang on to a girlfriend for more than a month."

1958- Pragmatism

_Adele teaches Beverly how to stretch a dollar. Breading, salt and butter make even the paltriest meal delicious. A few scraps of meat season a whole pot full of collard greens. Breading and spices make one chicken and a handful of vegetables enough to feed a large family. Beverly wonders if Jesus had fried up the loaves and fishes and convinced the multitudes they were getting enough to eat. The down side of their delicious and inexpensive meals is the sodium and cholesterol is certain to shorten their lives. She tries explaining the articles she's read on the subject but her mother stops her short by explaining, "You know what else is bad for your health? Starving. Now make me some hush puppies."_

2006- Refinement

"I can't believe you were in beauty pageants!" The young woman's astonishment borders on offensive, "I mean, someone as smart as you dressing up like a parfait and giving fake smiles."

"The skills required by beauty contests were very highly valued in southern women at the time. My rearing well-prepared me for such contests."

"But, didn't you feel like you were selling out?" the woman asks, her face showing distaste.

Emily is a 24-year-old graduate student with significant potential. She wears the flannel and pigtails of the current breed of young, hip, intellectual females. Beverly is giving a series of lectures at various University of California campuses and there is an Emily at each school, an adoring but irritating shadow.

"Perhaps you should think about that question tonight and then tomorrow, if it still seems to you like an appropriate question to ask, I will happily answer."

Emily's eyes widen fearfully. It had clearly not occurred to her that Beverly might be offended by her question. All the young women Beverly work with seem so sure she shares their every opinion. Beverly had been indifferent to the feminist movement, she'd been too worried about advancing herself to worry about the direction of her sex as a whole, but she is painfully aware of post-feminism. Feminism had surrounded her with young women with eager minds who believed they had a place in once male-dominated field. Post-feminism has surrounded Beverly with women who are so sure they are intellectual equals to men, they fail to see the oppression around them. They blithely believe their advancement will be merit-based and their genders irrelevant. Gender is never irrelevant. Just because the men in charge no longer slap women on the bottoms and ask for coffee doesn't mean there aren't just as many men looking at the women below them as biologically intended to be subservient. The subtle sexism in academia, and in the world in general, is insidious. Emily has likely never questioned her intellectual capacity or potential for greatness. Beverly envies the young woman's easy and un-conflicted confidence but knows it is a house built on a foundation of sand and will soon be washed away.

Emily does not ask the question again. Beverly is disappointed but Emily is still an impressive intellect. She looks confused but flattered when Beverly gives her Leonard's e-mail address.


	3. Chapter 3

1966- Adaptation

_Beverly is tall, slender and undeniably beautiful. Her voice is rich and powerful. She does not sing like an angel, quite the opposite. Her voice radiates a sensuality that she finds inexplicable. As she sings, her voice often sounds strange and foreign to her, she blames it on her father's love of Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday. Like her sisters before her, she takes to the stage in her homemade gown and sponge-curled hair, but unlike her sisters, she begins to win the 'big' trophies. _

_She is a composed and articulate speaker and she has learned the 'pageant smile'; all teeth, no gums and a slight squinting of the eyes when she needs the smile to read as real and unrehearsed. The worst part of each pageant is when she is expected to talk about her passions in life. Physiology is not an appropriate passion for a beauty contestant in the sixties so she has to lie. _

_She could compete on a larger scale, but she refuses to spend any of her award money on gowns or a proper coach. She'd rather squirrel away the money she has than gamble on a big pay-off down the line. The odds simply aren't in her favor and she is not inclined to take risks._

_A little Vaseline keeps her lips from sticking to her teeth and with enough rehearsal, she can say any nonsense she thinks will win her another couple hundred dollars. When she begins waitressing, she considers abandoning the pageant circuit but finds being a 'beauty queen' is good for tips. Men are impressed by women who have been officially decreed to be beautiful. She finds their impressionability intellectually interesting and she is only too willing to exploit their weakness in order to move a step closer to her goal of attending an Ivy League school. The more she learns about human behavior, the less she likes people in general. She sees those around her for what they are, hormone driven opportunists. _

2006- Restraint

Leonard keeps his head down and plays with his food until she asks about Emily. He says they went out and she seems nice but he doesn't think he'll see her again. When she asks why he mentions the infamous beauty pageant question.

"Has she deemed the question to be inappropriate or is she simply too intimidated to ask again?"

"She doesn't get it at all, Mother. She can't imagine why you were offended," Leonard's voice is full of indignation and Beverly is touched.

"I wasn't offended by the question, I simply thought it was ill-advised," she corrects.

"Well, it is offensive. She doesn't know anything about the way you were raised or what your life was like in Louisiana."

It's an interesting statement as Leonard knows almost nothing about Beverly's childhood. By the time he met her mother, the woman was already suffering from dementia. She took her children for two visits to Louisiana and all three children proved to be Yankees through and through. Michael got sick after every meal, Cassandra yelled at every man who flirted with her and Leonard wheezed in the humid air and developed a rash in every place where sweat was allowed to accumulate for more than a few seconds.

"Leonard, why do you think I asked Emily to reconsider the wisdom of her question?"

"Because it was rude and judgmental. She made assumptions based on her life experience without considering how different your life must have been," there's a fire in Leonard's eyes that surprises Beverly. Clearly they have hit upon a sensitive issue.

"Well, you're half right, Leonard. I wanted her to realize her question was rude and as I am in a position to help or hinder her future career, the girl needs to be more thoughtful when she addresses me."

Leonard shakes his head vehemently, "You shouldn't have to be in a position to ruin her life for her to treat you with compassion and respect. She needs to grow up and understand that not everyone had her perfect upbringing. Some of us... had different experiences."

She lets the accusation hang in the air between them. She knows Leonard hadn't intended to cast aspersions on her parenting, at least, not to her face. As a therapist, she knows they should address the issue directly so they can move forward with their relationship. As a guilt-ridden mother, she lets the words stand and hopes they can both agree to ignore them.

Leonard seems to share her preference.

"So, Emily is a nice girl but she's too immature. She still thinks life is all about being smart and it isn't."

"What is life 'all about', Leonard?"

Leonard takes a moment to contemplate the question before answering, "It's all about being good-looking. And tall."

1956- Efficacy

_Floyd jumps at the sight of Beverly sitting on his bed. His eye is swelling and there is blood coming from his mouth._

_"Bevy, what are ya doing here? Why ain't you in yer own bed?" _

_"I heard yelling," she explains. She used to say that she was scared when she went to Floyd but she no longer cares to admit to people when she feels afraid. She hopes to stop feeling scared entirely someday but, for now, she has to fake perpetual bravery._

_Her brother's shoulders slump as though he is suddenly exhausted, "There's nuthin' to be scared of, I just had a fight with Pa. No big deal, Bevy."_

_It was clearly a big deal, it was a big enough deal for Pa to leave his only son bruised and bleeding. She doesn't ask why they fought, she already knows the real cause; Pa drinks too much and Ma has too many 'friends'. Her father is simply misplacing his anger and, tonight, Floyd was Ma's surrogate. _

_She insists that Floyd clean his busted lip and gets him an icepack for his eye before he lies down and she heads back to her own bed. She decides she doesn't need Floyd to protect her. She took care of Floyd and, by the transitive property of equality, she can take care of herself._

_It is a revelation.  
><em>

_On her way back to the room she shares with her sisters, she sees her father on the porch. She pokes her head out the door and suggests he go to bed._

_"Soon as I finish this beer, Bevy."_

_"Before you finish that beer would be the wiser choice."_

_Her sassy words bring a flash of anger to his eyes but she feels no fear. She imagines her father as a large and irritable dog, any sign of weakness and he might bite. As long as she remains calm and makes no sudden movements, this cur won't give chase._

_Indeed, as she predicted, her father wilts under her judgment and follows her into the house, his beer abandoned on the railing of the porch. There are many things she wants to say to her father but even at thirteen, she knows her limitations. More sass will result in her having a black eye to match Floyd's._

2009- Despondency

"Helllloooo, Beverly. Dr. Beverly."

Floyd's voice is slurred with intoxication. Their mother would say he was 'in his cups'.

"Floyd, why are you calling me at this hour while inebriated?"

"What? Have you got school tomorry?" he laughs uproariously at his statement.

"As a matter of fact, I do. I'm giving a lecture on the effects of early childhood trauma on the physical structure of the brain."

"Well, la-di-dah, you's always upta sumptin important!"

She sighs into the phone. Floyd is not an angry or violent drunk but he is tedious.

"Bev, Bevy. Drove my Chevy to the Bevy but the levy was goooone!"

"As always, it is simply scintillating to talk to you while you drink yourself into cirrhosis of the liver but I do have to get up early..."

"I'm real proud of you Bev. You really made sumptin outta ya'self and I'm jist real proud a'ya."

"Thank you, Floyd. That's very kind of you to say."

"An' yer kids are amazin', jist amazin'. They's all so goddamn smart! An' Cassandra's got her own kids an' she's gonna cure diabetes and Leonard's... I don't understand what he does but it looks real impressive and Michael's a hotshot lawyer. I'm prouda ya and them an' I hope Edwin is takin' good care a'ya."

"And you called me at 3am to tell me this?"

"No, I'm callin' ta say happy birthday. My baby sister is sixty. Sixty!"

"Indeed I am, Floyd. Time marches on."

"I love ya, lil' sis. I really do love ya."

"And I you. Now please sober up and we'll talk tomorrow."

"Love ya, lil' sis."

"And avoid fatty foods."

She is not surprised when Floyd doesn't answer her calls the following day. He is surely nursing a sizeable hangover. After two days of no contact, she speaks to his landlord.

xxx

Floyd's will is clear and well-organized. Beverly has taken a week of leave from the university but it takes less than two days to complete the arrangements. Floyd had stipulated "no funeral, no viewing, no wake, no nothing". She and her sisters share one evening of maudlin conversations and take flowers to the mausoleum. It is hardly Floyd's first attempt to end his life. They know of at least two other attempts and he's been killing himself slowly with his drinking for years. It's something they have all been prepared for and yet Beverly finds herself missing the brother she knew before Vietnam. She had been studying biology and chemistry with the goal of being a medical doctor when he went into the service. It was when he returned a haunted shell of his former self that she decided to become a psychiatrist. She'd never had the delusion that she could save her brother, she knew she couldn't save anyone, but she'd wanted to understand the complexity of coping mechanisms. Later, she would find her true passion in neuroscience which allowed her to see the physical results of life's traumas on the human brain. A person can repress ugly memories and act like everything is fine but no one can hide the abnormalities in their noradrenergic brain systems. In a way, it's soothing to Beverly to know that there's a concrete result of even the most intangible experience.

Sitting with her sisters and reminiscing about their childhood, Beverly wonders why she felt the need to make such a complete break from her family. With age, the bad memories seem less significant and she welcomes the reminders of all the good times. She can almost smell her mother's perfume as the reminisce. Any hope of a loving family reunion is ended when Beverly mentions their absent sister, Betty. Beverly is alone in believing that Betty left her family of her own free will. Her sisters react to the name as though it were a physical blow.

xxx

She visits with her mother in the nursing home but Adele is nearly unresponsive. Beverly holds her frail hand and tells her how well her grandchildren are doing. For all her flaws, she was a loving mother and it hurts to see her as a hollow shell of her formerly vibrant self.

Adele gives a small smile as Beverly describes her own grandchildren but she only speaks one sentence.

"Where is Betty?"

Beverly refuses to acknowledge the tears forming in her own eyes as she continues to talk about her offspring but she silently curses the firing neuron that brought Betty to her mother's mind. It is a natural desire to try and find meaning in such random occurrences but Beverly is beyond such indulgences.

When she leaves an hour later, her mother is staring at the window with a wistful look upon her face. Beverly is tempted to ask the woman what is on her mind but it's too late to start tilting at windmills, she has an early flight to catch and she needs to sleep.

xxx

Cassandra suggests Beverly not tell Leonard that Floyd hung himself. She feels it is better he assume the death was a direct result of his uncle's rampant alcoholism. Beverly trusts her daughter's judgment on the subject. She asks what she should tell Michael, and Cassandra sighs.

"Mother, it hardly matters what you tell Michael. He's a fucking sociopath."

Beverly doesn't argue with her daughter's armchair psychiatry or her lack of compassion for her youngest brother because Cassandra is essentially correct. Michael will display the appropriate behaviors for a grieving nephew but he won't feel anything while Beverly is assaulted with waves of grief with no outlet for expression.

Beverly would like to weep hysterically and pull at her hair. She would love to recreate one of her mother's melodramatic scenes from her childhood, complete with the gnashing of the teeth. Beverly is certain that while the research on catharsis is mixed, there would surely be relief in an ostentatious display of pain. If she were crying, no one would ask her questions or expect anything from her at all. She fantasizes about becoming her mother, if only for a few days, but she keeps her feelings safely in check. She has things she needs to do to put Floyd to rest and then she needs to return to work and to being a wife and mother.

Edwin offers his condolences but seems blind to Beverly's internal struggle. He also seems distant but Beverly is in no condition to address whatever is going on in her husband's mind. She is grieving for her brother and her lost childhood. Returning to her home state and seeing her sisters has reminded her that she is and always has been a square peg jammed into a circular hole. She is no more at home in the city of her youth than she is in the house she owns in New Jersey. Her children and her husband keep her at an arms length and they all speak with a 'Jersey' accents. They pronounce her maiden name _Mar-tin_ rather than the French, and correct, _Mar-tan. _Her sisters are strangers, mother is barely coherent, father and Floyd are dead and she is an outsider in the family she has created with Edwin.


	4. Chapter 4

1957- Reason

_Beverly wakes to the sound of breaking glass. She shares a bed with two of her older sisters but she immediately seeks out her older brother, Floyd. He is a mature twelve-year-old and she is only eight. She relies on him to explain the world as her parents have proved themselves to be poor sources of information._

_Floyd is already awake and lifts his covers for Beverly to crawl into his bed._

_"It's no big deal, Bevy. They're just having a fight. People fight."_

_"It's not right to fight. I'll never fight," argues Beverly as she strains to understand what her father is yelling at her mother. She never understands their arguments and that makes them all the more frightening. _

_"Everybody fights now go to sleep."_

_"Jesus doesn't fight."_

_"Sometimes Jesus fights when it's about something important. Now go to sleep."_

_Beverly tries to imagine what would make Jesus fight if he didn't fight against being nailed to a tree but she doesn't question the truth of the statement. Floyd has never led her astray and he is a full four years older than she._

2009- Reflection

After Floyd's suicide, Leonard seems disturbingly far away. There's an evolutionary imperative to protect one's young and, thanks to the invention of society, this imperative has been twisted into Beverly's bizarre belief that physical proximity will somehow protect her children from threats such as alcoholism and suicide. Normally she would dismiss the impulse but, as she is grieving, she opts for self-indulgence. Edwin understands and supports her foolish whim. Leonard resists allowing her to stay with him but she won't take no for an answer. She has yet to meet his roommate and friends or see his apartment or workplace. She has been relegated to luncheons despite travelling across the country for their visits. Grief, maternal instinct and a vague fear that she is becoming too old to be relevant combine to turn her will into chilled steel and Leonard relents.

The apartment building is unremarkable apart from the broken elevator. She recalls Leonard speaking vaguely of the elevator being non-functional several years ago. While she is not surprised that Leonard has been content to climb four flights of stairs for the past six or so years, she is surprised his roommate has allowed the landlord to be remiss in his duties. She has always received the impression that Sheldon is, as her mother would say, persnickety.

When she first meets Penny, she instinctually sizes her up as a potential mate for Leonard. She is a pretty, blond actress/waitress with father issues and Beverly has reduced her to tears by the fourth floor. Rarely does a person meet Beverly's demanding standards as a potential parent of her grandchildren but Penny fails fantastically across the board. There is no doubt in Beverly's mind that Leonard must be infatuated with the woman.

She does what any mother would do to try and save her son from a relationship that has no potential to enhance his life in any way. She tells him how to go about seducing the simple girl. She can't imagine she'll continue to hold fascination once she becomes a known factor.

xxx

Sheldon is nothing short of a revelation. It is difficult to have him held up to her like a fun house mirror. His physical discomfort around others, his lapses into a thick Texan drawl, his inability to 'connect' even with close friends are all so familiar she should be repelled but, instead, she is intrigued. She feels an ease around the awkward young man that she hasn't experienced since meeting Edwin. Her husband becomes more of a stranger every year but there was a time, long ago, when Beverly felt as though Edwin understood her. She feels this understanding radiating from Sheldon. Leonard is like a warm pressure system, pleasant and non-threatening but with the ever present potential to turn into a tornado. Sheldon is a flat and quiet field that might be disrupted by the occasional natural disaster but remains relatively unchanged by nature's fury. She tries to spend quality time with her son but part of her is grateful when he starts to avoid her. It would be good for her relationship with Leonard if she simply sat him down and explained her emotional turmoil but she can't. It's all too close to the surface and it's been too long since she's wept in front of another human being. Clearly, Leonard is feeling very ambivalent towards her. Even when he prepares her tea, as he's done for many years, he brings it to her cold. Sheldon blames Leonard's over-active libido but Leonard had been able to make tea properly for Beverly when he was a teenager. In those early days of his adult sexuality, Leonard had spent more time abusing himself than sleeping and Beverly had worried about him developing a repetitive stress injury. She can still remember his horrified response when she made him aware of her concerns.

Beverly would have loved it if her parents had been able to discuss sexuality with her in a frank and open manner, leaving her less afraid and deluded on the subject. Leonard, on the other hand, seemed to want to treat his sexuality as a foreign thing to be spoken about in hushed tones. She clearly remembers her seventeen-year-old genius covering his ears like a child and begging her to stop using phrases such as self-stimulation.

When she tells Leonard his favorite uncle is dead, she imagines her pain as a concrete thing she has left in Louisiana with the Spanish moss, the magnolias and Louis Armstrong's heart. Perhaps her tone is colder than she intends and even she admits 'his heart stopped beating' is a poor answer to Leonard's question (she should have used the technical but equally meaningless 'cardiac arrest') but she is glad she got through the exchange without falling to pieces.

She can't talk about Floyd, she can't talk about her marriage disintegrating, she can't talk about feeling like a ghost. She can't explain why she feels insubstantial.

xxx

Beverly is pleased to have a scan of Sheldon's brain for her research. Her own children have become more and more reluctant over the years to assist her with her work. How ironic that she gave them life, fostered their intellect and pushed them to achieve their maximum potential and yet they all describe their brains as 'mine' and insist on denying Beverly access. Her mother warned her that her children would one day 'stomp all over her heart' but it is still a surprise each time she is rejected.

The visit is uneventful but satisfying. She shares a moment of bonhomie with Leonard as she teases his friends, Raj and Howard, about their ersatz homosexual marriage. She observes Leonard's discomfort as they discuss the careers of his siblings and is pleased with her ability to deflect the tension. In her scrupulous efforts not to take credit for the successes of her children (at sixty years of age, she is still rebelling against her mother) she has perhaps gone too far the other direction. Leonard, Cassandra and Michael project judgment and disappointment into her every comment about their careers. On the other hand, that is hardly an atypical response for high-achieving persons. They are never satisfied with their accomplishments and therefore expect others to be unsatisfied as well. Beverly knows this all to well. She is a very high-achieving person.

xxx

Beverly hasn't sung since her children were very young (not that the caterwauling of rock and roll is really singing in her opionion) and is surprised by how much she enjoys herself with Sheldon. His enthusiasm and lack of coordination remind her of her husband when they first met. He had been so full of energy in those days. She finds herself feeling an uncomfortable twinge of attraction for her son's roommate. It is utterly inappropriate but she enjoys the warmth in her chest and cheeks as Sheldon eagerly seeks her approval. She has no delusions about his feelings for her. The young man is completely alienated from his own sexuality. He speaks with surprising candor about his parents' troubled marriage and assorted traumatic experiences from his youth.

"My roommate and his girlfriend would wake me up in the middle of the night making a racket but when I asked what they were doing, they would say they were studying. It didn't sound like they were studying to me. It sounded more like they were wrestling or... You know, now that I think about it, I think they were engaging in sexual intercourse while I was sleeping."

"Sometimes Dad would bring his friend, Brenda, fishing with us and he and his friend would disappear into the woods to dig for worms and leave me alone. Fishing! Hardly a sport in my book... Actually, Dad did end up moving in with his friend after Mom kicked him out... and they never managed to find any worms in the woods."

If only her clients were so open in therapy.

Of course, Sheldon isn't her patient, he is her son's friend and she is under no obligation to help him. She can just sit back and enjoy his eccentric tales, like a dime store novel.

Although it was her need for physical proximity to Leonard that brought her to Pasadena, she feels as awkward as ever when she hugs him goodbye. She has fond memories of her mother's perfume infused, suffocating embraces and her father's rough, almost painful, bear hugs but once she moved away from Louisiana, she started to avoid unnecessary physical contact. Before her marriage, she had intentionally avoiding getting close (in every sense of the term) to others. Edwin wasn't much for physical contact outside of the rare acts of sexual intercourse and Cassandra would only tolerate the briefest displays of affection. By the time Leonard came along, with his constant clinging, she was out of the habit of hugging. Leonard would wrap his tiny arms in a death grip around her neck during every waking moment if allowed and Michael followed his big brother's example. She spent years literally pushing away their tiny but suffocating arms. She thought they had both moved past their clinginess by the time they went to school, then Leonard created his 'hugging machine' for a science fair. In retrospect, she had taken it all too personally but it is still a painful memory. Standing next to the 'hugging machine', listening to parents and teachers drone on about her brilliant children, she'd felt humiliated. The hugging machine was more that a triumph of pre-adolescent engineering, it was an accusation, a public indictment of her skills as a mother. As a psychiatrist, well-versed in child development theory, she realizes Leonard's behaviors were simply a normal part of developing his sense of self. A life of being a misfit had inured Beverly to the judgment of others but she has left a small part of herself vulnerable to her children and husband. Leonard's little foot could trample her heart at any given moment just as she inadvertently caused him pain on a near daily basis. During the hugging machine incident, she still hadn't recovered from the science fair two years ago when Leonard's first place win resulted in a mini-breakdown and a series of regressive behaviors (including bed-wetting). While chatting with his teachers, Beverly mentioned Michael had done a very similar experiment at science camp. The teachers and fellow parents had laughed as Beverly spoke.

"Michael blasted rock music, if you can call it music, until the lima beans apparently lost their will to live. Leonard, on the other hand, grew beautiful lima beans with Mozart and Puccini. I hope they remember the results of their respective studies when they become teenagers..."

She had played up her mundane concerns in order to create a convivial atmosphere. She'd been rather proud of herself until Leonard burst into tears and handed back his blue ribbon. She asked Leonard what was wrong and he said, "I hate you!" She never brought it up again. Two decades later, Beverly (a trained psychiatrist) continued to let these issues simmer rather than revisit the painful memories. She hated to re-open old wounds, no matter how poorly they had healed.

1986- Assimilation

_Before she can say, "Hold Mommy's hand," Leonard's tiny hand is gripping her's. Michael follows suit but with less enthusiasm. Cassandra takes the lead, eager to be done with clothes shopping so she can return to her mysterious world of being a pre-teen. _

_Leonard gives a running commentary as the enter the store. She monitors his growth obsessively, always looking for a sign that he is permanently debilitated by her one instance of carelessness when he was a toddler. Occasionally, Leonard will ask for details about the time he 'died' but he is young enough to be distracted away from the topic. Beverly wonders if she'll ever be able to discuss what happened. He is small for his age, he and Michael look like twins, and he has numerous food sensitivities but these are traits that may have been passed down from his father's side of the family. At five, he already needs glasses but poor eyesight runs in both families._

_"I think it's important I choose clothing that will help me to fit in with my peer group. I really struggled to adapt to kindergarten and I don't want to have the same problem in first grade. These years are integral to my social development and being an outcast might set me up to be a perpetual outsider..."_

_Beverly only half listens to Leonard's chatter but passersby are stopping to watch in confusion. Leonard's language skills often draw the attention of strangers and Beverly has grown accustomed to the stares. He began speaking in full sentences at a year old ("Mommy no sleepy" being a favorite at that age) and by two he was parroting the language of his parents with surprising accuracy. All three of her children are highly gifted but only Leonard's language skills are obvious to the casual observer. Being small for his age only adds to what Cassandra refers to as Leonard's 'circus freak quality'._

_Cassandra is currently struggling with her own freak factor. Her gift has always been problem-solving. As a toddler, she demonstrated this gift by solving puzzles well beyond her years. Upon entering school, she used her sharp mind to manipulate others. Even Beverly, no slouch in the logic department, is not immune to Cassandra's Machiavellian gift. Her daughter has an uncanny ability to anticipate every roadblock and is always prepared to offer, in honeyed tones, the logical arguments that make her every whim seem inscrutably logical. _

_The one obstacle to world domination that Cassandra did not anticipate was her quickly blossoming figure. There's no logical argument strong enough to fight the resentment of her female peers and the salacious tendencies of men. Her current strategy is to hide her figure and appear as plain as possible behind over-sized glasses and pigtails. Beverly's heart goes out to Cassandra and she watches the young woman fight against nature so as to never see the words 'Cassie is a slut' written on another bathroom wall. Beverly never read such slanderous words about herself growing up but she heard similar statements about her mother and her sister, Betty, on a regular basis. _

_Cassandra goes off on her own to find drab and shapeless clothing while Beverly tries to help Leonard chose the kind of clothing that will make him 'fit in'. There's no use telling Leonard it's a fool's errand. He has the intellect to understand the nature of being an outsider and the emotional maturity to be wounded by his outsider status but it will take time to understand that, at the tender age of five, he has already developed a character that he will never be able to change: He has no gift for pretense. His childish attempts at fibbing are typically accompanied with a breakout of hives and the opening statement, "I'm not lying!"_

_Michael takes a more anthropological approach to fitting in. Beverly watches her youngest child take in the actions of the other little boys in the department, mirroring their behavior until he dares to move among them. Soon he chatting is with the others and Beverly is being dragged into awkward small talk with their accompanying parents. It's simple mirroring and children do it all the time but there is an intention and awareness to Michael that makes the process impressive but somewhat disturbing. At five, Michael has already mastered the art of fitting in. Leonard watches his younger brother with undisguised resentment while Beverly feels only a hint of wistful envy._

2010- Calculation

"Do you recall when you were eight and very upset that your pet turtle, Sheldon, kept running away from you?"

Leonard looks annoyed, she takes that as an affirmative.

"I explained to you then that in order to hold something or someone close to you, you occasionally need to offer an illusion of freedom in order to foster a sense of dependence."

"You know, most moms go with the traditional Richard Bach quote. 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.' They leave out the manipulation all together."

"The Bach quote is both untrue and ungrammatical. After repeatedly setting Sheldon 'free' in an inhospitable environment, what happened?"

"He started to be afraid of being away from me and his aquarium."

"Really, Leonard? You feel comfortable attributing an emotional response to an amphibian based on his behavior of staying near a food source?"

Leonard pushes his ostrich around his plate, "I was able to extinguish his unwanted behavior with a series of positive reinforcements for returning to his aquarium and negative punishment for walking away from his aquarium."

"Exactly."

"Mother, I was eight. I wanted my turtle to like me, not be afraid of dying if he walked away from me."

"Leonard. He was a turtle."

"Mother. I was eight."

Beverly know there was no point in pursuing the conversation. Once Leonard brings up his unresolved issues from childhood, reasonable conversation is a thing of the past.

"Does it seem weird to you that I had a pet named Sheldon and now I have a roommate named Sheldon?"

Sheldon sharing a name with Leonard's childhood pet is at the bottom of her list of 'Things that are strange about Leonard's relationship with his roommate'. Sheldon's dependence on Leonard is staggering. Beyond relying on Leonard for transportation and food delivery, Sheldon also expects Leonard to translate human interactions into a language he can understand.

"You have a roommate named Sheldon and as a child you had a pet turtle. As Sheldon is the third least original name one could give a turtle, it does not seem like an unlikely occurrence."

Leonard eats silently for at least ten minutes before he gives in and asks, "What are the other two least original turtle names?"

"Turtle, or some variation such as Mr. Turtle, and Shelly."

Leonard smiled for the first time since sitting down, "Sheldon's nickname is Shelly. That still would have been weird."

"If you were to name a pet turtle now, what name would you choose?"

Leonard thought for a while and shrugged, "Percy."

Typical.


	5. Chapter 5

1981- Regression

_Leonard was a healthy baby other than a mild case of hypospadias. After much debate, Edwin and Beverly decided to have the corrective surgery before Leonard began potty training. She and Edwin sat in the waiting room, side by side but never touching, until the surgery was over and Leonard woke from the anesthesia. Beverly spent the entire time wondering if she had made a terrible mistake and was relieved, not only that her son was well, but that she had made 'the right decision'. She was finding parenting more difficult the second time around. She can't stop over-thinking every decision._

_Cassandra had never been so difficult. To give birth to her first child, Beverly had travelled home to Louisiana. Despite her many shortcomings as a mother, Adele Martin was a skilled midwife. Beverly spent the month leading up to the birth wandering the land of her childhood home during the day and working on her thesis at night. It was less than five hours from her first noticeable contraction to Cassandra's first cry. There had been times that Beverly worried she would not have the strength or energy to continue but her mother had been there, feeding her ice chips and offering words of encouragement. Cassandra had been pink and healthy from day one._

_She'd tried to have Leonard at home as well. Eight years after the birth of her first child, there were more options for a woman who wanted a 'natural' birth but the most popular method was still lying on a table in stir-ups while being numbed as though gravity and physical engagement were irrelevant to the process. Beverly's mother was already becoming confused at that point but Beverly and Edwin were able to find a highly recommended midwife and prepared to give birth at home. _

_Walking the streets of New Jersey was not as soothing as the fields she'd strolled in Louisiana. She also no longer had the freedom of being in graduate school. It had been no problem to take a sabbatical from the university but she could not afford the career ramifications of disappearing for a year. She used her sabbatical to see patients and write articles. She was working on an article about the role of fatty acids in brain development when her first contraction hit. She finished her paragraph and began walking around the room. Soon she was doubled over with pain. Before her midwife could arrive, Beverly's blood pressure had spiked dangerously and she needed to call an ambulance. She gave birth to Leonard in a hospital via cesarean and it was hours before she was able to hold her second child. He'd had a poor APGAR score and irregular blood sugars. He'd already had baby formula before she was able to try breast feeding. He was eventually able to nurse but it was a long and torturous process for mother and son. Throughout the proceedings, Beverly had been very disturbed by the wrongness of every step. This was not how a woman was meant to give birth._

_She stopped breast feeding after six months when Leonard began biting. When her menstrual period failed to return, she discovered she was three months pregnant with Michael. Beverly's feeling that things weren't 'right' turned to feelings of shame. Why had this been so much easier in her twenties? She should be older and wiser but she was making a mess of everything._

2010- Balance

Cassandra serves a perfectly prepared filet mignon. Beverly acknowledges her continuing surprise that Cassandra manages to find the time to cook with such skill.

Cassandra frowns, "I can't tell if you are complementing my cooking or criticizing my priorities."

Beverly has the same problem with all of her children but only Cassandra addresses the issue directly and allows Beverly to make herself better understood.

"I am complimenting your culinary skills."

Cassandra smiles happily, "Thank you, Mother."

They discuss Cassandra's work at John Hopkins. Beverly can see the signs of worry on her daughter's face. Although she never says it aloud, Beverly knows Cassandra is plagued by the same fear as any other great intellect.

She's afraid she's wasting her time.

Edwin wrote a modestly interesting book on the end of the age of reason in the western world. Beverly finds the work well-reasoned and interesting but lacking in practicality. The reason her copy of the book is well-worn is the introduction in which he describes his children to illustrate varying types of 'intellectuals'.

He draws a loving verbal portrait of each of their children: Leonard locked away with his lasers, Michael making policies and molding minds and caring Cassandra calmly creating cures. Stuffy, pretentious, sentimental and abusing alliteration; the descriptions fill Beverly with love for her children and her bastard soon-to-be-ex-husband. Leonard isn't quite the mad scientist Edwin makes him out to be but he is an old-fashioned genius, isolated in a world of pure intellect, shielded from the petty problems of a careerist. Michael is his polar opposite, spending most of his day networking, fundraising and glad handing.

Cassandra is the most like Beverly. She splits her time between isolated laboratory work and face-to-face contact with patients. Beverly well knows the satisfaction of helping to improve a patient's well-being. She also knows the crushing guilt of failure.

Cassandra responds to logical discourse. Without using words like, 'it isn't your fault' or 'you're doing important work' she is able to remind Cassandra that her work will someday change the world and improve the lives of thousands. While she is reciting the current stats on childhood obesity in the U.S., Cassandra's eyes fill with tears and she throws her arms around Beverly.

"Thanks, Mom. I really needed to hear that."

xxx

Beverly is marveling over Cassandra's lighter than air mousse when her daughter asks, "How did you and father meet?"

"We met at a university fund-raiser, as you are well-aware."

"But how did you actually meet? How did you start talking? What did you say?"

Beverly pretends to think as though she hadn't been replaying that day in her head since Edwin announced he had been unfaithful.

"He tripped over a carpet and spilled wine on my dress. He insisted on paying for the dry cleaning."

"Oh!" Cassandra clapped her hands together, eagerly, "You had a meet cute!"

"It was hardly cute, I had to eat nothing but food in dented cans for a week to afford a properly sophisticated dress only to have in ruined while in the midst of the very people I was trying to impress. It was a terrible evening."

"Did you think he was cute? Did you like him right away?"

Cassandra has Beverly's devotion to empirical evidence but her father's tenacity when it comes to creating an enticing narrative.

"I thought he was handsome..." Beverly can see him in her mind's eye. Even in his mid-twenties, he dressed like a middle-aged academic. The first time she laid eyes on him, she saw the difference between men like Edwin, who were born into brilliant wealthy families, and people who had to work their way into those circles. His tweed suit was expensive but well-worn. His curly hair was shaggy and unkempt and there was tape holding his glasses together. He didn't have to try and blend in with the elites, he was born elite and nothing would ever change that.

She knew of Dr. Edwin Hofstadter. He'd traveled to Africa (on his parents' dime) to complete his doctoral work with Dr. Louis Leakey. He'd been there for the discovery of _homo habilis_ and had never wavered in his support of Leakey even as the anthropology world questioned the discovery.

"Did he ask you out right away? What was he like? Was he more like Leonard or Michael?"

"He insisted we exchange numbers and called me several time under one pretense or another before finally asking me to dinner. He was a Leakey acolyte. He pursued me in his free time but he was full of academic fervor in those days."

Leakey was known as a philanderer but there was no questioning his respect for women in his field. His one-time mistress and current wife, Mary, was his partner in every sense. If Leakey had accomplished nothing else in his career, he would have earned his place in history by launching the careers of Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey and Birute Galdikas. Goodall and Fossey ultimately became not only important researchers but household names and Galdikas, the least famous of the trio, secured her place in history by coining the term 'Leakey's angels'. Beverly was only vaguely interested in anthropology and archeology but she was very interested in women in science.

He hadn't been anything like Leonard or Michael. He'd been eccentric but gregarious. No matter how coolly Beverly treated him, he never backed away or seemed uneasy. She'd been envious of his easy confidence.

Of course, life had been easy for Edwin. He and his brothers were pampered and adored by loving and wealthy parents. He grew up with nannies and summer homes. He changed after they were married. With each child, he became more withdrawn and anxious. He tried to micromanage Leonard's career until their son fled to California.

"How did you know you were in love with him?"

"You should be asking these questions of your father," Beverly responds in a carefully neutral tone, "The Western ideal of romantic love is more his specialty."

1961-Curiousity

_Mother says that doctor's are only for really sick people. There is no such thing as a 'check-up' in the Martin household. Trips to the doctor are few and far between and, to Beverly, very exciting. She eagerly reads as many magazine articles as she can while she waits. The secretary even allows Beverly to take some of the magazines home with her to read and re-read from cover to cover. She shares her new knowledge with her family at every opportunity but no one else seems to care about cholesterol, heart disease or which part of the brain causes violent behavior. She absorbs the information like a sponge. Floyd takes her to the library every Wednesday where she checks out books on anatomy and chemistry. They are filled with words she doesn't understand and has to look up in a dictionary. Most of the definitions are also filled with unfamiliar terms so she has to look them up as well. She can spend hours with a dictionary, letting the world unfold before her eyes. Her mother tells her not to read so much or some day, she'll need to wear glasses and boys don't like girls who wear glasses._

2010- Resilience

It doesn't come as a big surprise, Edwin had been increasingly distant over the past couple of years, but it was still painful to hear him say the words.

"I've been seeing someone else. I'm sorry to have been dishonest."

He was sorry to have been dishonest, he actually used those words after four decades of marriage.

Beverly knew who she was as soon as Edwin began to describe the 'other woman'. Her name was Jennifer and she was a waitress in the university cafeteria. Jennifer was in her early thirties and she was going to school part time for creative writing. Beverly can't decide if it would be better or worse if it had been a sexy young co-ed or a brilliant young anthropologist. Whatever Edwin sees in this woman, it isn't her looks or her mind. Jennifer is perfectly ordinary. She is a perfectly pleasant, moderately attractive youngish woman.

She doesn't ask why, she doesn't want to know why. Whatever explanation Edwin can offer can only make the humiliation more profound.

The only person she tells is Sheldon during one of their conversations on Skype. He doesn't ask for specifics, he only asks about her personal life because it is part of the social protocol. He suggests she drink a warm beverage. Beverly admires the fine features of his youthful face. She can clearly remember Edwin as a young man with no real responsibilities and yet already weighed down by the weight of the world. For all his eccentricities and anxieties, Sheldon seems to be a content young man.


	6. Chapter 6

2006- Uncertainty

_"You really don't see anything wrong with this?" asks Cassandra in a deceptively calm voice. Her hand shakes as she clutches the manuscript and her eyes are shining with unshed tears._

_Beverly anticipated some resistance from her children, that's why she chose to present the first draft of her book to them together. It had taken some skill to convince all three of them to join her for Thanksgiving but when Beverly sets her mind to a task, there are few who can resist her arguments. _

_"This book is a detailed analysis of brain development..."_

_"In which you tell the reader when and how I learned to masturbate," interrupted Michael._

_Her children do feature strongly in the book as she's obviously been studying them since birth but they are treating her scientific work like a dime store novel._

_"No one will know that you are subject 3..."_

_"The people who know us will!" Leonard yells, not bothering to uncurl from his fetal position on the couch next to Michael. Michael's cheeks are red and his eyes are flint but he is doing his best to maintain an appearance of cool detachment. Leonard, on the other hand, is wiping away tears and trembling._

_Cassandra is doing some yoga breathing as she paces the room._

_"Only people you know who are interested in neuroscience to the degree they would read an 800 page esoteric tome on the subject and know that I'm your mother might be able to discern that subjects 1,2 and 3 in fact the three of you," Beverly explains calmly._

_Leonard lets out a hysterical laugh, "Of course, none of our friends can count to three! Howard will never figure out the short one who is allergic to everything is me! It's like you've never talked to an actual human being! Are you sure you're actually our mother? Were we created in a lab?" _

_"Mother, people who know us are going to find out about this! My husband is going to find out about this!" Cassandra yells between cleansing breaths._

_"I hardly see why Alan would be..."_

_"You have the real story of how I lost my virginity in here! How the hell am I supposed to explain that?" her daughter retorts, "Not to mention the other two guys who think they were my first!"_

_"Why would you tell them..." Beverly abandons her question when the manuscript comes hurtling towards her head._

_"You tell me, Mother! Look in the index under Subject 1- shame issues and see what it says!"_

_"I hear what you are saying, Cassandra, and we can work around the more delicate issues without compromising the weight of the text," Beverly offers (despite having already made that very point before handing over the manuscript). _

_"Mother," Michael speaks quietly, "It's all delicate. It's all too personal. What if I run for office? I can't have my opponents bringing up stories like..."_

_"Sleeping with your brother's girlfriend?" Leonard offers._

_Michael keeps his eyes fixed on Beverly but she can see him wilting under Leonard's glare. At long last, Michael is experiencing regret for his actions, not because he feels compassion for the people he's wronged but because his indiscretions might interfere with his life plan. There's an unpleasant smile on Leonard's face, he's sensed the shift in their relationship._

_"I look like a loser but you, Michael, you really come off like a dick, don't you?" Leonard observes quietly._

_Cassandra laughs bitterly. Beverly is grateful for the lack of yelling but she can see this conversation is going down a bad path._

_Michael maintains his calm demeanor, "None of us want our childhood mistakes and embarrassments made public."_

_"I'm sorry I threw your book at you," Cassandra whispers._

_"Maybe it's not so bad," Leonard's face is still wet with tears but he's no longer crying, "Maybe we should be more supportive."_

_Michael and Leonard glare at one another silently while Cassandra stares at her feet._

_"If each of you offers me notes, I will take them into consideration and edit the text to the best of my ability."_

_They'll come around, eventually. Cassandra and Leonard are scientists and logic will eventually prevail. Despite the embarrassment they are feeling at seeing their peccadilloes laid bare, they come across as likeable and relatable individuals while Michael comes off rather unpleasant. Her editor has asked for more anecdotes on the "Three" as she refers to them. She says the stories will help to book "crossover" and increase sales. _

_Watching her children acting so unlike themselves, she is reminded of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. She has collected data on her offspring since birth, not to further her career but because it allowed her to combine her two greatest passions. She'd always imagined herself to be creating naturalistic case studies. No, belatedly, she realizes that the experimenter is never invisible. By documenting her subjects, she has changed them._

2010- Settling

No one has to tell Beverly that Leonard is dating his waitress/actress neighbor, Penny. Sheldon dislikes talking about Leonard during their video chats, Dr. Cooper is far more jealous of her time and attention than her children have ever been, and on several occasions he has complained about Penny's increased presence in their apartment. Sheldon gripes about her pumicing, her hair in the shower and her utter failure to abide by his various rules. Either the woman has terrible boundaries or she and Leonard are engaging in coitus.

Leonard never mentions Penny. When she asks if he is seeing anyone, he is evasive and says only that he 'sees people'. Even when she sets up a Christmas time visit, he refuses to capitulate and admit he is dating a woman so steeped in daddy issues, she would make Freud weep with joy.

The visit begins poorly. Leonard seems even more overly sensitive than usual. He complains about not being kept abreast of Beverly's life when he makes every effort to avoid meaningful conversation with her. There is a moment of warmth and conviviality as Beverly again teases Raj and Howard about their friendship. Leonard takes great delight in tormenting his friends about the closeness of their relationship while he and Sheldon are slowly blending into one person. Beverly wonders how Penny feels about attaching herself to one half of a fused personality.

It doesn't take long for Leonard to have his first emotional meltdown. He takes the news of her impending divorce badly and is more disturbed by the death of his childhood pet than she'd expected. Soon after her arrival, he has locked himself in his bedroom.

Beverly tries to follow Leonard but Sheldon intercepts her.

"I'm Leonard's best friend and confidante, he relies on my counsel in times of stress. He always comes to me with his problems, no matter how little I care."

Beverly is touched by Sheldon's misguided but well-intentioned words. Leonard and Sheldon have an unhealthy, co-dependent and beautiful relationship. Although they often seem to bring the worst out in each other, they share an unconditional positive regard that Beverly has never experienced.

She asks Penny for a ride back to the hotel. While she puts no more faith in Penny's driving abilities than those of a random cabbie, it is simply a subterfuge to allow her to observe Leonard's paramour.

Beverly says that she doesn't drink out of habit although she had been drinking more than the suggested one glass of red wine a night. After 62 years of near tee-totaling, she cannot think of herself as a drinker.

The first hits Beverly like a brick. She's never had straight whiskey before. On the rare occasions she drank hard liquor, it has always been a cocktail. The effects of the alcohol are immediate. After a few shots, Penny is already getting silly and announces that she is sleeping with Beverly's son. Beverly is momentarily confused by the wording and wonders how Michael is managing an affair from Boston to Los Angeles. The boy was engaged, it was time for him to stop sleeping around. When Penny clarifies she means she is sleeping with Leonard, Beverly wonders why Penny opted to say 'sleeping with' instead of dating. By Beverly's estimation, the two have been dating for several months. Penny's word choice both diminishes the significance of the relationship and is overtly sexualized. Perhaps she is shielding herself from Beverly's judgment by playing down her role in Leonard's life. Perhaps she is protecting herself by distancing herself from the relationship, preparing for the day that Leonard finds someone more suitable. She doesn't think Penny is biding her time with Leonard until someone better comes along. If Beverly thought that, she would eviscerate the waitress without a second thought.

There's a vulnerability to Penny that Beverly finds endearing. All of her children sailed through school and were headhunted before completing their degrees. What did they know about chasing a dream for years and wondering if you are wasting your youth? A woman can only depend on her looks for so long.

She never gets an answer from Leonard as to why he kept the relationship a secret and, once sober, she decides she'd rather not know.

She tells Leonard to take care of Penny, instructs him to burden himself with someone who will never be his intellectual partner and who will only grow to resent him for her own shortcomings. There's no reasoning behind her gesture other than a hazy feeling that Penny could potentially make Leonard happy. Beverly remembers when Edwin nearly made her happy.

It had been decades since Beverly kissed a man other than her husband. Pressing her lips to Sheldon's tightly close mouth, feeling his complete lack of desire, she is again struck by the sensation that Sheldon is a mildly distorted mirror. How many men, including Edwin, have had this same experience while kissing Beverly? She has always imagined herself as reserved in her passion. Perhaps she has simply been cold.

1971- Optimism

_"I've been giving this a lot of thought," Edwin announces as he hands Beverly her cup of tea, "I think we should get married and have children."_

_Edwin has taught her to truly appreciate a well-made cup of tea. She's grown up reusing tea leaves and coffee grounds for maximum frugality but Edwin drinks monkey-picked oolong and only uses raw sugar. _

_Beverly takes a sip of her tea and thinks about Edwin's proposition. He is an ideal mate and potential father for her children. He is brilliant, healthy, cultured, has received the finest education money can buy, well-bred, well-connected and physically attractive. _

_She's very fond of him, she feels at ease in his presence, and they share a myriad of interests. Beverly cannot think of a good reason to refuse his proposal and yet she hesitates. They've been dating for nearly a year and have yet to consummate their relationship. They've never discussed his lack of ardor and it certainly does not bother Beverly. It's a relief to spend time with a man who is not perpetually 'on the make' but it is aberrant behavior for a healthy young man. She hesitates to speculate about his upbringing, and perhaps she is projecting but she wonders if there is a trauma underlying his lack of libido._

_Beverly's previous sexual experiences have been disappointing but she is well-aware of the importance of sexual intimacy in the romantic bonding process. Edwin says he wants to have children so he must be planning to engage in sexual intercourse at some point._

_She says yes, she cannot think of a good reason to answer otherwise._

2011- Obfuscation

Leonard looks terrible when he arrives at the restaurant. She assumes Penny has terminated their relationship. Beverly has never gone through a 'break up', Edwin was her first real beau but based on the popular media, it is a terrible experience that must be expressed endlessly in song and prose.

"Can I assume from your downtrodden expression that Penny has ended your relationship?"

"It's good to see you, too, Mother," Leonard snarls as he flops into his seat across from hers.

"Very well, Leonard. Oh, dear. Whatever can it be that is making you so unhappy?" she asks in her most concerned tone of voice.

Leonard frowns, "I'd rather not talk about it."

"If you didn't want to talk about it, you would have made more of an effort to hide your unhappiness."

"What's new with you, Mother?"

"Your father and I are still in the midst of our divorce paperwork. If it's any consolation, it is fortunate your relationship with Penny ended before you became legally entangled. Divorce is filled with tedious red tape."

"That's very comforting."

Beverly is wounded by his sarcasm. Penny is the only person who has expressed concern for Beverly's feelings about the divorce. Admittedly, she has been putting up a cavalier front but one hardly needs to be a psychoanalyst to see she is utilizing a defense mechanism to get through a difficult time.

She is heart-broken.


	7. Chapter 7

2006- Exposure

_"Beverly, you've spoken about being exposed to violence and abuse in your childhood..."_

_Beverly stares her down, she's not paying $200 an hour for ellipses._

_"But," Dr. Allens-Ferrin belatedly continues, "you've never spoken about your personal... experiences."_

_Watching the woman falter fills Beverly with disgust. Allens-Ferrin has lasted longer than any of her previous therapists, but she's on shaky ground at the moment._

_"Beverly," the woman begins, leaning forward in her seat, "were you abused as child? As a young woman?"_

_The use of her first name, the body language, the way Allens-Ferrin looks over the rim of her glasses; it's meant to create a feeling of intimacy and Beverly has to fight her instinct to cross her arms and create a physical barrier between herself and her therapist. She suddenly feels physically drained from the effort of not being a cliché._

_"I was perhaps disciplined in a way that would be considered abusive by modern standards but was well within the norm of the time."_

_"I think you know that isn't what I mean."_

_"Perhaps you should speak more clearly, then."_

_The hostility hangs in the air between them but, to her credit, the therapist presses on._

_"Were you ever abused by either your parents or one of your mother's 'friends'?"_

_"I have no memory of abuse."_

_"But you were always afraid..."_

_"I suppose you could view the environment as having an element of psychological abuse in that I..."_

_"Do you think you may have repressed memories of..."_

_"Does it matter?" Beverly's voice sounds disproportionately loud. She takes a deep breath before continuing is a more measured tone, "If I don't remember it, why does it matter? The sudden popularity of so-called repressed memories is a scourge on our field. Therapists all over the world are convincing their patients they've been subjected to elaborate satanic rituals and horrific sexual abuse..."_

_"It does matter if someone harmed you, Beverly. It matters because you are person with feelings. You have value," Allens-Ferrin has moved out of her paint-by-numbers professional style and Beverly is caught off guard. This woman is really good. Beverly files the interaction away to use in her own sessions in order to shock a patient out of a pre-established narrative..._

_"Beverly, it isn't a weakness to have feelings."_

_Beverly feels soothed by the return to cliché. She isn't in therapy because she wants to dredge through the swamp of her past and find long buried bodies best forgotten. She's in therapy so her children will stop having a collective nervous breakdown every time she publishes a paper._

_She managed to cobble together a manuscript that all three of her children found upsetting but not horrifying. She has found therapy helpful throughout the process. Beverly has never been interested in resolving her internal conflicts, she simply needs someone to listen without judgment. Her sense of self has been subtly altered through these interactions. She has come to realize, there are parts of herself to which she prefers to remain estranged. She does not want to dig through her psyche and she is not looking for any kind of grand answers about the meaning of life. _

2011- Acumen

Beverly agrees to attend yet another fund raiser for the university. Her reputation brings more money into the department than any other resource. She is not a fan of shaking hands but she does enjoy discussing her work with neophytes. Breaking the information down so as to be clear to someone who just managed to graduate with the help of someone else's money gave her a chance to reflect on her work from another angle.

The first donor delivered to Beverly's corner, like a parade float awaiting judgment, is a woman by the name of Lathum. Beverly knows the type. They have a name for these women now, cougars. Beverly was raised by a cougar.

Right away, Mrs. Lathum makes it clear she is asserting her dominance by bullying the young and easily intimidated while sizing up every young man in the room.

She follows Lathum's eyes to a man who couldn't be more than thirty. He's probably younger than the woman with whom Edwin had his affair. He is handsome and his work is well-reasoned if uninspired. Beverly tries to imagine him as a bus boy. Perhaps Mrs. Lathum is on to something.

"Hofstadter... Where have I heard that name before?" Mrs. Lathum is snapping her fingers as though to jog her memory. The obvious answer would be Mrs. Lathum knows the name because Beverly is extremely well-known. She has been published in fifty-two languages and she has been profiled in numerous mainstream magazines such as Life and People.

She was even on Oprah.

Perhaps Lathum is thinking of Edwin Hofstadter, he has been on the Discovery Channel.

"Leonard Hofstadter! A beautiful young genius. So eager to please, if you know what I mean."

Mrs. Lathum elbows Beverly as if to affirm their status as sister cougars.

"Am I to understand the two of you engaged in sexual intercourse?"

For someone who claims to have no luck with women, Leonard certainly seems to get around. She's had similar discussions with a brilliant physicist at Princeton and Cassandra's colleague at John Hopkins.

The woman tossed her head back as she laughed. Beverly could see a vague physical similarity between herself and this woman and they aren't far apart in age. Leonard never seemed to go through an Oedipal stage, perhaps he was having a delayed crisis.

"Tell me, how did his penis turn out?"

Beverly felt a moment of smugness as Mrs. Lathum, the wealthiest widow in Upstate New York, stammered and flushed.

The woman regains her composure and looks Beverly in the eye.

"Magnificent. I'm definitely going to donate to your department, Dr. Hofstadter. There's no questioning your contribution to society."

Beverly grudgingly clinks her water glass to Lathum's champagne flute. After all these years, it's nice to have a straight answer. A mother worries.

Also in attendance at the fund raiser is one Dr. Julian Smith-Huntley, author of possibly the most comprehensive book on Jungian theory to date. Beverly is hardly a Jungian but she was impressed by the thorough and well-written tome and takes a moment to acknowledge his work. He greets her impassive compliment with a broad grin that causes his eyes to crinkle in a manner she finds... charming. His face is youthful and boyish but his crow's feet suggest he's in his forties.

"Dr. Beverly Hofstadter! I've read every paper you've ever published! You are a genius."

She doesn't care for shaking hands but she allows him to shake her's vigorously.

"I strive to serve my field," is her standard reply. She refuses to engage in false modesty but has found honesty too often confused with arrogance.

"I'd love to discuss your work with trauma victims. I'm in town for a few more days... Can I buy you dinner and we can talk?"

Beverly hasn't been on a date in over forty years and she's tempted but, ultimately, she only agrees to corresponding by e-mail.

Julian proves to be persistent. He contacts her frequently and the next time he is in town, she agrees to lunch but puts a halt to any non-professional discussions. The man is nearly twenty years her junior and she is still technically a married woman.

1982-Guilt

_At 20 months, Leonard constantly clings to her. While she tries to write her notes he is ever at her side yelling, "Mommy, mommy, mommy," and "uppy, uppy, uppy" while gesturing to be held. No amount of quality time can quench his need for quantity time. Beverly is exhausted. Michael is just learning to sit when propped up and can stay at her feet quietly for hours at a time. Michael enjoys watching Leonard's antics but Leonard is not impressed by Michael. When they go to the park, Leonard is fascinated by babies and will yell, "hi, baby," in an infant's face over and over until pulled away by force but he is indifferent to his little brother._

_He is in no way indifferent to Beverly. From the moment he wakes up, he wants to be in Beverly's arms, playing with her hair and her teeth. He tells her endless babbling stories and becomes irate if she tries to multitask. When she looks at her notebooks or typewriter, Leonard physically turns her face towards him. On the rare occasion that Leonard finds a way to entertain himself, she gets as much work done as possible._

_She doesn't look a gift horse in a mouth, Michael is asleep in his swing, Leonard is being quiet and she is able to finish editing a paper for publication and finish her case notes for the day. Beverly knows that 'mother's intuition' is simply an unconscious series of observations and she would never know what sends the chill up her spine but she is on her feet and running. Leonard is lying quietly on the bathroom floor surrounded by a colorful array of pills and he isn't breathing._

_While she performs CPR and waits for the ambulance to arrive, she surveys the scene. He must have climbed to the medicine cabinet, pulled out the soft travel bag full of pills and dropped them to the floor. (They kept the pill bottles in the travel bag to keep the tempting bottles out of sight, instead the bag muffled the noise of the bottles hitting the ground. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, indeed.) Once he was back on the ground he had opened all eight child-proof bottles. It was impossible to guess how many pills he had eaten. Ibuprofen, acetaminophen, birth control, muscle relaxers, benzodiazepine..._

_Tears are streaming down her cheeks but she feels no identifiable emotion. She simply thinks over and over, "I did this." She had been so determined to be a better mother than her own, to put her children first and shield them from harm. She can't think of a word terrible enough to describe herself._

_Cassandra was not wrong when she told people, "My little brother died but he got better." Leonard had died several times, his tiny organs shutting down at the onslaught of foreign chemicals. Beverly sat frozen and mentally prepared herself for the inevitable. _

_Obviously, Leonard survived. No one ever blamed Beverly for her neglect. Edwin held her and said how glad he was it was her and not him because of her medical training and her imperturbability. The doctors assured her that Leonard was a lucky little boy to have such a cool-headed mother. No one tried to arrest her. No one spit in her face. In desperation, she even went to confession. She told her story to a priest who refused to judge her and instead told her she had been blessed with a second chance so she could return to the church and raise her children right. He offered her penance for failing to attend church but he refused to blame her for the near death of her child. That had simply been an unfortunate accident. _

2011- Revelation

"Your father tells me you have not been returning his calls or e-mails. He believes you are angry with him because of our impending divorce," Beverly doesn't bother beating around the bush. "I don't see how my husband's infidelity affects you. It is irrelevant to your relationship with your father."

"Irrelevant? You think it's irrelevant to me?"

"He didn't 'cheat on' you, Leonard."

"No, he cheated on my mother. He..." Leonard trails off as his eyes become watery. Beverly's chest tightens with a rush of anxiety. If Leonard starts crying, she's going to have to leave. She can't handle it. He can just add it to the list of her maternal failures. The list was surely long enough that one more entry was hardly worth noting.

Fortunately, her son quickly composes himself and continues is a calm voice, "My understanding of male/female relationships was, in large part, derived from my observation of your marriage during my formative years."

Beverly nods, silently encouraging him to continue in this analytical vein.

"What I learned..." he closes his eyes and collects himself, "What I learned is that if a man loves a woman, he does anything he can to keep her. He gives up on affection and birthdays and friendships and he neglects his childrens' emotional needs... And after thirty some years of giving up on everything that means anything to him just to hang on to a women he still thinks is too good for him... he fucks some waitress from the cafeteria? I couldn't have a birthday party but he gets to screw around?"

"I don't believe the two events are directly connected..."

"I thought we had to live the way we lived because Father loved you so much he couldn't argue with you."

"Your father and I agreed to raise our children..."

"However you wanted to raise them. He never took a stand on anything. He let you ridicule his work, undermine his authority..."

"What I hear you saying is..."

"Please let me finish saying it before you tell me what you hear. I always thought there was something admirable about the way Father was so committed to you and your crazy parenting techniques..."

"My parenting techniques were based on years of research and careful..."

"Please let me finish!" Leonard is tugging at his hair. She hasn't seen him engage in that particular nervous tic in over a decade. "If he just sat back and let us feel unloved and unlovable to preserve a marriage that he then threw away..."

Leonard's eyes are getting watery again and Beverly is overwhelmed by as urge to flee. She is used to the harsh judgments regarding her parenting (though they usually come from Cassandra) but she has always been certain that her children would one day appreciate her efforts.

"Was there ever a time you felt physically threatened in your own home? Where you ever afraid to fall asleep and leave yourself vulnerable to an attack? Did you ever wonder whether or not you would be fed?" tears are blurring her vision and her voice is beginning to crack but she is determined to make her point, "Your father and I never lied to you. We never offered false promises or false hopes."

"You could have been a little kinder with the truth," Leonard replies quietly. Beverly can't quite pin down what's going on behind his darting eyes.

"I would rather err on the side of being too frank than leave you unprepared for the harsh realities of life. You claim to resent the rigidity of your childhood and yet, here you are, a grown man still living with a roommate, letting Sheldon tell you what to do and when to do it. You crave structure and consistency and the safety it provides. You've never lived in chaos and yet you know..."

She can't finish the sentence, instead she straightens her back, closes her eyes and focuses on her breathing. She's not about to break down now.

"What do I know?" Leonard's voice and eyes are gentle. He looks so much like Edwin in that moment that her heart clenches.

"You know that there is safety in structure and stability," Beverly struggles to keep her tone even but her mind is swirling with unpleasant memories.

"Nana..." Leonard begins before apparently changing his mind and falling silent.

Beverly wants to let it go, the last thing she wants to do is discuss her mother. She forces a forkful of food into her mouth but tastes nothing, She jumps when a hand touches her arm. It's Leonard's hand. Of course, it's Leonard's hand. Who else would it be?

"When Nana came to visit me, she was already pretty confused," her son begins, clearly choosing his words with care, "and, in addition to carving the turkey naked, she said a lot of things that I didn't understand."

Beverly can't begin to guess what Adele Martin said in her state of confusion. Before the Alzheimer's took hold, it was already difficult to separate fact from fiction in her tales.

It isn't a topic she wants to discuss and while she will not refuse to answer her son's questions, she will not facilitate the inquisition. If Leonard wants to open this particular can of worms, he'll have to do it alone.

Leonard is pushing his food into small and even piles on his plate, "Nana talked about different men..."

Beverly lets out a derisive snort and Leonard's first question is answered.

"She also talked about Pappy being jealous..."

Beverly has nothing to say so she remains silent.

"Did Pappy shoot someone?"

Beverly chokes on her glass of water.

"Mother, is that a yes or a no?"

"I have no idea, Leonard," Beverly answers, in all honesty, "There were rumors in town. I don't think anything was ever proven."

Leonard's eyes widen behind his thick glasses, "Do you think he shot someone?"

Beverly shrugs dismissively as she has for years, "I don't know the facts of the situation. I know my mother frequently entertained strange men at our house while father was away and I know father had a temper and a gun. It isn't outside the realm of possibility but I've no reason to believe it is a fact."

"Nana kept getting confused about who I was. She was calling me Leonard but..."

"Whatever Nana may have said about Leonard was wrong," she says it with more force and volume than she'd intended.

"Who was Leonard? Was I named after him?"

It's a fair question and Beverly does her best to be honest.

"Leonard was a significant figure in my youth and while I didn't name you after him, per se, my fondness for the name likely stems from my fond memories of him."

"Oh, no," Leonard looks very concerned, "Am I named after one of your old boyfriends? That can't be healthy."

"No, he wasn't my boyfriend. I barely knew the man."

"Then why was he so significant?"

It's a fair question but Beverly changes the subject. The lessons she learned from her acquaintanceship with Leonard Silverman have continued to elude Leonard Hofstadter and she is happy enough to let things remain that way.

"She also asked me about Aunt Betty and I didn't know what to say. I don't even know if anyone has tried to find her or figured out why she left..." Leonard trails off, clearly expecting Beverly to respond but she remains silent.

"Don't you wonder what happened to her? Aren't you curious? There must be a way to learn more with today's technology."

"The police did their investigation at the time and deemed her to be a runaway. As for why she left, there could be any number of reasons. I ran away to college."

"But why would she say good-bye?"

"Leonard, you're trying to understand the internal motivations of another individual. It's an impossible task."

"That's an odd thing for a psychiatrist to say."

Beverly smiles, "I help people to understand their own feelings and motivations. I can make my inferences and predictions but, ultimately, the human mind is too complex to be understood in simple terms. Each decision is the result of a lifetime of experience. From prenatal care to what you eat for breakfast affects your thoughts, your perceptions, your understanding of each situation. You will never truly understand another person, Leonard. Never."

"That's really depressing."

"Life's complexity is not depressing, it is magnificent."

"Wouldn't it be nice to have an answer, though? Wouldn't you like to know what happened?"

"It would be nice, much like it would be nice to have a pet unicorn."

"Sheldon is convinced he can make a gryphon in a test tube. If he ever does, I need to find a new best friend."


	8. Chapter 8

1965- Denial

_Leonard Silverman played a cello on a street corner near the restaurant where Beverly worked when she was sixteen. She wore make-up, curled her hair before each shift and used every ounce of learned charm when she worked because she was working for tips. _

_It was a terrible way to make money. _

_Beverly did her best to be pleasant but she was soon known for her temper. Men were forever trying to touch her as she worked and seemed amused by her angry responses. She quickly realized an imperious stare could not permeate a drunken mind, she needed to be more direct. Generally, a drink in the face did the job. It was a traditional hazing to encourage newcomers to the bar to make a pass at Beverly. _

_It became something of a performance. A man would pinch her backside, she'd hurl a drink and the crowd would utterly fail to yell, "Drinks are on you" in unison. At first she found the process demeaning, then she noticed the increase in her tips. She began to exaggerate her reactions and make a spectacle of each incident. In The Big Easy, there were and are worse ways for a young woman to make money and Ivy League schools are expensive._

_The first time Leonard Silverman came into her bar, he warned her that men were encouraging him to 'get fresh' with her. Beverly was immediately charmed by his hard Yankee accent, kind eyes and apparent lack of interest in 'getting fresh' with her. She had met several homosexuals in the world of beauty pageants but a gay man from the North seemed to her to be the epitome of urbanity and sophistication. _

_She never got to know the man very well. Either she was working in the bar or he was playing on the street corner when they crossed paths but for two years, they exchanged pleasantries. She once asked why he chose to play the most cumbersome instrument possible on a street corner. He said it was about 'style'. _

_He asked why she worked in a bar when she hated being around loud drunkards. Beverly had spent her life surrounded by loud drunkards and she's never considered it optional until Leonard asked the question._

_She never knew much about his personal life other than he was in his early twenties, he'd been on his own since his parents kicked him out of the house at sixteen and he came from New York. He was in New Orleans to learn how to be a 'real musician'._

_Occasionally, he would ask why she didn't have a beau, and if it was just the two of them, she'd ask him the same question. While Beverly made a point to remain single, Leonard had a series of romances. Beverly felt very sophisticated standing on the corner, smoking a cigarette and asking Leonard about his lovers. Finding out he was Jewish as well was the icing on the cake. _

_Days would go by when she wouldn't see Leonard at all but when he had been gone for a full week, she started asking around. There were two rumors. Some people said he'd gotten the beating of a life time after getting caught in flagrante with another man in the backroom of a nightclub and had returned to New York City. The other rumor was much worse. Beverly chose to believe Leonard was still alive and well and playing his cello. She never tried to look him up. _

_The incident left Beverly enchanted with the North and confirmed her long held belief that she was safer alone. Leonard went through life looking for the best in people but most people are, at best, neutral. _

2011- Resolution

Beverly agrees to give a lecture series at the University of California's San Francisco campus but she does not call Julian. She does work in a layover at LAX and Leonard meets her for a meal at the airport. For the first time in years, he seems to _want_ her advice. Beverly feels like she's taking her MCATS again.

"She hasn't told her parents she's dating me, yet. She's worried that they won't take it well because they're very traditional and I'm..." Leonard waved his fork in the air as he searches for a word, "white."

"Understandable."

"She's actually gone to a great deal of effort to keep me a secret. She's lying to her parents, she let Sheldon blackmail me into a new roommate agreement..." the regret registered on Leonard's face even before he trailed off.

Some sons would be _grateful_ to have a mother with Beverly's insight into human behavior.

"It sounds as though she's 'hedging her bets' by maintaining the status quo with her parents until she's determined the viability of her relationship with you."

"I guess that doesn't sound so bad," Leonard looks unconvinced but Beverly can see how hard he is trying to make himself believe her words, "I guess that's normal. There's nothing to be concerned about."

"Why are you concerned?"

"I think she's ashamed of me. I think if I made more money and if I had my own place and a better car..."

Beverly knows she needs to tread lightly. This was a potential watershed moment in her relationship with Leonard.

"Have you expressed these thoughts to Priya?"

"Sort of."

"I'll take that as a no. If you are serious about this relationship, you should be straight forward with your partner and ask the same of her. If she has reservations about your career track, the two of you need to evaluate your priorities as individuals and as a couple."

Leonard is nodding and agreeing with her logical statements but she can see in his eyes that he has no intention of following her advice.

"Leonard, in a worst case scenario, what will happen if you are open and honest with Priya?"

"She'll dump me."

"And if you continue to bottle up your feelings of dissatisfaction and insecurity?"

"She'll take longer to dump me?"

Beverly chased away thoughts of Edwin, she was in full therapist mode.

"It sounds like Priya isn't the only one hedging bets."

Leonard plays with his food for a while and Beverly fights the urge to fill the air around them with words.

"Maybe..." Leonard doesn't look up from his plate, "I just don't want to be alone."

"You're thirty years old, Leonard."

"You were married with a baby by my age."

"And I had just finished my residency. I took time away from my schooling to start a family. You're already well-established in your field. The current social norms allow for an extended adolescence that would have been frowned on when I was in school. More and more women are opting to have children later in life, after establishing their careers and, as a man, you have even less reason to rush into marriage as your fertility will..."

"I don't want to talk about my fertility," Leonard's face is pained. He is the embodiment of this century's man-child.

"As you get older, you will become more established in your career and in your finances and as the age gap between you and the university grad students increases, you will become exponentially more in demand as a potential mate. It is a distinct advantage to be a man when it comes to ageing."

A look of guilt flitters across her son's face and Beverly suddenly feels self-conscious and irritated. She spent years fighting against her youth and beauty to be taken seriously and perhaps the result is a certain severity. She is at the top of her profession, internationally renowned, she has raised three brilliant and successful children and yet she is an object of pity because she is an ageing beauty. Somehow she has become her mother right down to flirting with men half her age. The passage of time is cruel and unrelenting.

"You could try making yourself less vulnerable to women," Beverly suggests, adjusting her glasses, "Be less accessible. There's no shortage of women with father issues and these women are far more inclined to pursue a man who seems impossible to please."

"And then what? I just keep pretending to be this other guy for the rest of my life?"

"Of course. Once a woman is able to satiate her need to win your approval, she may want to move on."

Leonard mulls over the idea, "I don't know if I can do that. I'm not very good at pretending to be something I'm not. The real me always comes oozing out."

"Then you might want to consider the alternative."

"Which is?"

"Continue to be yourself and hope that someday, someone will love and appreciate you just as you are."

Leonard appears to mull the idea over.

"Mother, when you and father got married... were you..." Leonard waves at the air like he's hoping the right word will appear, "were you in love? Did you love him or was it just a practical decision?"

"I love your father very much and I always have. You look surprised. We were married for four decades."

"No, I'm not surprised... okay, I'm surprised. I'm surprised to hear you talk about romantic love. I thought you were too finely tuned an intellect for love."

"Of course, I feel love," her tone is harsher than she'd intended, "I'm not a romantic but I feel love."

She loves her bastard husband, her ungrateful children, her tart mother, and her drunken dead brother and father. She's full of love for people who can't or won't love her back.

"I guess I just don't think of you that way."

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes."

"And now you're quoting Whitman?" Leonard's face is one of exaggerated surprise, "Who are you, Mother?"

It's a rhetorical question, of course, but one that Beverly has been asking herself for the past year and a half.

"Have you spoken to your father?"

"Yeah, he was just full of helpful advice," Leonard responds with sarcasm but it lacks bitterness. Beverly believes it is a good sign.

"What did you discuss?"

"He has some job leads for me so I can start making 'real money' and then I'll be able to settle down."

"Your father has changed over the years in response to the responsibilities of parenthood. His intentions are good."

Leonard smiles, "He's still a cheating bastard. I kind of got the feeling he's desperate to win you back. Does he have a chance?"

"Is your father aware of your insecurity with regards to your current relationship?"

Leonard looks ready to argue against the change in topic but ultimately shrugs it off.

"Once I started talking about Priya, he was off on a tangent. He made a big deal about how I needed to be able to afford a nanny and I couldn't expect Priya to be a super woman because even the strongest person is only human..." Leonard frowned and leaned forward as though to tell a secret, "I never realized he blames himself for the whole medicine cabinet incident. He's never mentioned it to me before but he was pretty upset."

Beverly's throat closes and her voice cracks as she says, "Elaborate."

"He said it was his fault that I almost died because he left everything up to you and he was too selfish to be a father and then he got a bit hard to follow."

"And what was your response?"

Leonard raised his eyebrows thoughtfully, "I told him he was being crazy. Kids do stupid things. You are the smartest person I know and even you didn't think I'd be able to climb that high and uncap all those bottles. How could he have anticipated any of that? I don't think it made any difference to him, though. He's decided to blame himself and that's that."

Edwin had never breathed a word of this to Beverly. She feels a sudden and powerful connection to her former husband. Even as Leonard casually discusses the incident, she can't help believing that deep down, her son blames her for her neglect. Logic has no place in guilt.

She considers asking Leonard directly if he resents Beverly for her lax parenting but she holds her tongue. There's nothing he could say that would assuage her guilt but there is plenty he could say that would break her heart.

xxx

During her cab ride back to the hotel, she wonders what path Leonard will choose. Will he try to maintain his relationship with Priya? Will he retreat to the comparative safety of Penny? She had encountered Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler at a recent conference and had been assured Penny was "still mooning hopelessly over Leonard". Men are always so much more attractive when they are unavailable.

Surely he won't risk being alone.

Not that he'd ever really be alone, he already has his sexless pseudo-marriage to Sheldon. She sometimes wonders what will happen to Sheldon when Leonard finally pins down 'Ms. Right'. Where will Sheldon find another person so willing to bend to his will? Her sympathy for Sheldon is, of course, sympathy for herself. There are people in the world who, through some failing in their genetics or upbringing, are not enticing targets for romantic love. Why should someone like Sheldon have to spend the rest of his life alone simply because he does not want to be touched?

She's so willing to offer up her middle child to any sad sack that reminds her of herself. Cassandra was too practical and Michael, too self-centered, to be potential mates for the world's outcasts but Leonard washed his feet before taking a shower in his own apartment simply because it helped his roommate feel one iota less anxious.

Edwin and Julian have both left several voicemails that she has failed to return. When she returns to her hotel room after lunch with Leonard, she calls Edwin.

They make plans to have dinner the following week when she returns to New Jersey. For the first time since the divorce, she feels ready to ask questions.

She then calls Julian and agrees to dinner but refuses his offer of a spare bedroom. She'd rather waste money on an unused hotel room than find herself trapped with a potential suitor.

The last time Beverly allowed herself to be wooed, she had been in her early twenties. Now she's about to turn sixty-four. On one hand, she feels silly getting involved with a younger man at her age.

On the other hand, the advice she gave Leonard was sound. Perhaps nothing will come of her relationship with Julian but if there is a chance to feel truly loved and appreciated, she owes it to herself to give it a try.


End file.
